I’M the eldest among three siblings and the only girl.

When I was nine, my mother left us after she divorced my father and we stayed with him and our grandmother. When I was 14, my father died in an accident.

Luckily, our grandmother looked after us. She was the one we could depend on.

We lived a very simple life and I made a lot of sacrifices. After I finished my SPM, I did not continue my studies as my grandmother was old and I had to take care of my siblings.

I started working at KLIA and it was there that I met a guy who was my cousin’s friend. We started a relationship but a few months later, he cheated on me. I ended the relationship and also left the job.

Later, I worked in a different place but my grandmother got sick and I had to quit and stay home to take care of her.

However, my younger brother had finished his SPM and wanted to do dentistry. None of my family members wanted to help financially, so we gave him all the money we had saved.

I started working in a clinic near my house. The doctor was active in an NGO and I became a member. Most of the members were male and some tried to flirt with me. They wanted to take me out even though they were married.

Then I met one who was nice and not like the other womanisers. I was not interested in any relationship as I only wanted to help my brother study. We became friends and I told him all my problems and he understood and offered to help.

We started a relationship, even though I knew he was married. However, he proposed and we got married. A month later, my grandmother passed away.

He gave me hope and took care of us, and also helped my brother pay his college fees.

The problems started a year after marriage. I started working with him but he changed and became very calculative.

It became very difficult for him to give me money to spend and because of that, our relationship is like a drowning ship. Please help me find a solution.

Lost

Thelma's response:

YOUR past should have no bearing on your immediate problems with your marriage.

Your husband chose to marry you even though he was married when you met him. He was aware of your financial needs and he was supportive and kind.

What happened to cause his change of heart and behaviour?

Perhaps a good move would be to check if he is having financial problems of his own as many businesses are still struggling from the recent global crisis. Or, think hard and ask yourself if you have neglected your man’s emotional and physical needs due to your worries about your siblings.

If you keep on asking for things for your family, the guy might suspect that you only want him for his money.

Spend time with your husband and find out what makes him happy. Shower him with love and attention. Talk to him, make him aware that you care about him.

If you feel that he is reluctant to pay for your brother’s fees, suggest that you get a job to help out. As a newly wedded couple, it would be a pity if you allow family issues to cloud your marriage so soon.

Nurture your marriage with love, patience and compromise. A man needs to be spoilt and pampered, made to feel that he is king in his own home. Never make him feel like a fool, used and ignored.

However, he must also respect you as his wife and partner in life. You must not allow him to strip you of your pride and dignity just because you are financially dependent on him.

Be a smart woman. You have married in a hurry and you really need to know your husband’s true character. You can only be a better wife if you know your man.