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Tue, Jul 07, 2009
The New Paper
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I miss her, but I don't bear to see her

IT STRUCK a chord with him when he read about a divorced father's plight of not being able to see his son.

When John (we are not using his real name to protect his daughter) read the article, 'Come back to me, son' published in The New Paper on Sunday last week, he called to share his story.

The 37-year-old claimed he is in a similar situation following his divorce in October.

He was granted weekly access time by the court, but hasn't been able to see his 6-year-old daughter since January.

'My ex-wife told me my daughter doesn't want to see me, but there is no good reason for this,' he said.

He claimed he last saw his daughter on 1 Jan this year when he handed her back to her mother after he had his access time for the second half of December last year.

He divorced his wife on grounds of alleged adultery and showed us the divorce papers which he filed with the courts.

The divorce was an acrimonious one and he is no longer on speaking terms with his ex-wife. He claimed that despite her alleged adultery, she was awarded custody of their daughter, their only child .

He discovered his ex-wife's alleged infidelity after spending more than $10,000 to hire a private investigator to tail her in March last year. He claimed for the sake of his daughter, he suggested they stay married but she refused.

The divorce was finalised last October.

He estimates he has spent $20,000 on legal fees in order to apply for access time to his daughter.

Problems started soon after, in January and February this year, when his ex-wife did not turn up at the appointed time with their daughter.

The only way he got to see her was to wait at the void deck of a building opposite her school. There, he would catch a glimpse of her being taken into the school by his maid.

'I missed her very much and that was the only way I get to see her, even if from a distance. I don't get to talk to her or hug her,' he said.

He then applied to the court in March for additional access time during the holidays last month. He was given access from 16 to 28Jun.

But the handover was to be under the supervision of a counsellor at a family service centre.

Cried

On the day of the handover, on 16Jun, John went to the family service centre, but he claimed his daughter refused to see him initially and cried.

'I had to spend half an hour to coax her and tell her how much I loved her before she would hug me,' he said.

But his daughter refused to go with him.

Then three days later, on 19 Jun, he made another attempt to see her at the family service centre.'This time it was even worse. She cried and refused to even enter the centre,' he said.

'My heart broke when I saw her crying and looking so traumatised. I felt hurt that my own child would reject me like this.

'I couldn't bear to see her like this so I decided to give up my access time. I didn't want to put her through more trauma even if it means I cannot spend time with her.'

He is seeking further legal advice on the matter.

 

This article was first published in The New Paper.

readers' comments
First there is the sad story of this alienated father on The New Paper on 21st Jun 09 who puts up a YouTube video for his estranged son : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JiQR5rVboQ)

Then there is the sorrowful story of this father on The New Paper on 5th July 09 who is also alienated from his daughter : http://www.divaasia.com/article/4314

And today, we see yet another father whose devastating story is also appearing on both Stomp (Straits Times) webpage and the LianHe WanBao simultaneously: http://singaporeseen.stomp.com.sg/singaporeseen/viewContent.jsp?id=79380#comment

All these sad stories of oppressed loving parents in just one month is enough proof of how serious is the current situation we have at hand.
Posted by alfredch on Thu, 23 Jul 2009 at 00:40 AM
Just heard from a friend that the Centre For Fathering at Toa Payoh is organising an upcoming discussion session on 6th Aug evening for all parents having problems with access to their children. Anyone who is interested can contact them to find out more.

Do help to spread the word if you know of any parents who needs help and support in this area.

Alfred Christensen
Posted by alfredch on Wed, 22 Jul 2009 at 01:39 AM
I saw this article on NewPaper 2 weeks ago, and I also managed to find the YouTube video of the other Singapore father who has been cut off from his own son for 300 days (search under "deprived Singapore father")

Its really sad to see what these loving fathers have been put through. They wanted so much to bond with their own children but due to their difficult ex-spouses as well as limitations in the Family Court system, they are being painfully deprived of time with their own flesh and blood.

If the Family Court or the Singapore Government put the paramount interest of the children first, they should do more to improve the situation.

Alfred Christensen
Posted by alfredch on Sun, 19 Jul 2009 at 04:16 AM
I went through it 11 years ago when the kids are 11 & 9 despite having custody of all the children, my ex kept the 2 older kids and will not let me see them claiming that the kids don't want to see me. I have not had a single access despite numerous court orders for 2 years.

At the end I request for access to the children house to see them instead of them coming to see me.... that works. Now the kids are in their 20s and have return to stay with me on their own accord in the last few years, the custody remains with my ex... my girl still refused to call me mummy...

Perseverence is the word ... and never stop to show your LOVES. If you have love them before ... deep down in their heart .....
Posted by nghka on Wed, 8 Jul 2009 at 16:20 PM
I was in the same situation like you 2 to 3 years ago. I was allowed by my ex-wife (and family) to see my daughter aged 4, only during the day on weekend though court had given me overnight access. For 6 months this went on. My ex-wife is always under her parents control. Finally my ex-wife granted my wish for spending the night with her. It was disastrous as my daughter refused! She ended up crying every weekend night. So I had to sleep over at my parents and this has been ongoing until today.

I have strong reasons to believe while my daughter was staying with her grandparents, her mind had been "poisoned" to hate me! I can vividly recall what my daughter told me that she was taught that I am a bad father.

As for you John, never ever give .....
Posted by Newsreader on Wed, 8 Jul 2009 at 16:19 PM
This is the kind of society that has evolved in SPG. I am making
plans to retire in a slower paced country so that I do not have to feel this kind of pressure. Life should be a happy journey, especially when you are a child.
Posted by mountaingoat on Wed, 8 Jul 2009 at 15:59 PM
To the father, all I can say, persist in love...I faced the same problem 17 years ago with my daughter, she would cry everytime I see her or pick her up, I am her mother...I would also cry and be hurt, but I persist, I will always turn up with hope, sometimes I go home empty handed and rather traumatised myself. But now she is a grown girl, we share a special bond and I must say she has been a very filial daughter, meeting with me for lunch and remembering my birthday. She now can make her own decision.

so you must persist, talk to your ex-wife, that a girl needs the attention of a father too, or she will grow up to feel inadequate with fatherly love...what will happen to her own marriage in future...surely, as divorced parents, we do not want our children to .....
Posted by jazzmine_s on Wed, 8 Jul 2009 at 14:49 PM
Had a colleague who struggled with the same problem with his two teen children during the time of separation with the wife .... he was lamenting about poisonous influence by the wife .... can sense his intense frustration and sorrow .... later, he was down with depression before he passed away .... for unknown reasons ....

It's indeed pitiful to see that a divorced couple's feud will over-ride and spill over .... affecting the children's well-being .... which has already been affected by the divorce ....
Posted by harlym on Tue, 7 Jul 2009 at 21:34 PM
One father recounts why he stopped seeing daughter after a bitter divorce.
View the article here.
Posted by A1Team on Tue, 7 Jul 2009 at 21:03 PM

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