Children need to learn how to work out their conflicts without fighting or hurting others.

MANY parents think that discipline is about physical punishments and scolding their children. Children learn from their parents. If force is used to end a conflict, then they will learn that it is all right to hit, shout and threaten when you are angry.

We teach our children to share and help one another. Parents can make a difference because children learn by observing them in action rather than receiving verbal lessons on doing good.

Little gestures such as being courteous on the road or giving up your seat in the LRT and bus for someone in need can go a long way.

Peaceful conflict resolution means solving problems without violence. Children need to learn how to work out their conflicts without fighting or hurting. They can learn to negotiate or offer exchanges to solve problems.

Let us look at a common scenario at home where children learn that might is right: A four-year-old hits his younger brother and snatches his toy away. The mother rushes over and whacks the older boy on the behind.

She snatches the toy back and gives it to the younger child. Both children end up in tears.

These children learn that if you are older and stronger, you could pick on a younger and weaker person.

The older child will eventually find ways of bullying his younger sibling without getting caught by his parents. The younger one will harbour ideas that when he is older and bigger, he will fight his older brother. Violence breeds violence.

Many adults worry that if children are not punished for their misbehaviour, they may become spoilt or ill-disciplined.

On the contrary, children who are often punished and yelled at tend to be more badly behaved than those whose parents take the time to offer positive guidance.

There is no short-cut in getting children to be self-disciplined and understand the ways of the adults. It takes a lot of discipline on the parents’ part to set children on the right path from the very start.

Understanding children and what they can do helps parents to guide their children accordingly.

For example, children under three years will cry and behave badly when they are tired and hungry. They are not being naughty when they kick and scream.

Hitting a child because he has done wrong teaches him very little about what is right. Children can learn from the consequences of their actions. Parents can get children to rectify their mistakes by doing what is right.

For example, when they spill liquids on the floor, they can learn to wipe it up. If they hurt someone, they need to learn ways to make the person feel better after they have apologised.

Even very young children are capable of doing what is right. Recently, I was invited to observe an integrated preschool class of children with hearing impairment.

The hearing children used both sign language and spoken language to communicate. I was intrigued by the way the children were helping one another to learn.

One four-year-old girl with hearing impairment sat next to a three-year-old boy who has just joined the programme.

Both children took out their individual trays to do their work. The older girl was adept and finished her work quickly, while the boy was struggling with his chosen activity.

Instead of walking away after she was done, she returned to the table after she had put away her tray. She then sat down next to the three-year-old and happily demonstrated the way to put the objects together.

Children choose to work and play peacefully when there is little adult interference. They can handle conflicts with minimal fussing and fighting.

The little girl in the class behaved like she was one of the teachers. She has seen her teachers demonstrating and helping the children to learn. She was just copying what she saw.

Children learn to be good when they are treated with kindness and respect. Often times, when a child is disciplined, he is not given the freedom to make his own choice. Instead he does what the adult wants him to do. This child will have little opportunity to develop self-discipline.

Children who are given choices, will learn to be part of the decision-making. When they get older, they will know how to be accountable for what they do.

If we want our children to exercise self-control, we must act as their role-models and encourage them to behave positively. Humiliation and punishment will only worsen the situation and make it harder for them to learn.

It pays in the long run for parents who are willing to take the time and effort to explain things to their children instead of using force. -The Star/ANN