Dr Andy Ho's proposal for Singapore to adopt heartbalm laws ("Let betrayed spouse sue mistress for damages"; Nov 16) is appropriate but will be difficult to achieve.

His reminder of the importance of emotional fidelity in a marriage is laudable. Too often, married couples neglect efforts to build emotional intimacy.

Sexual infidelity, as many recent cases have shown, is sparked by emotional infidelity.

Pain manifests when one lacks a spouse's emotional support. Similarly, the spouse would feel hurt should a third party take over the intimate role of providing a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.

Interestingly, Dr Ho used the word "lover" to denote this third party, making a clear distinction from the word "spouse".

This is the concept of the Western world, where "spouse" is defined as a husband or wife, and "lover" as a partner in a romantic or sexual relationship, or someone with whom a married person is having a love affair.

On the other hand, the Chinese seem to have got it right. In China, it is common for a married couple to introduce each other as "wo de ai ren" or "my lover".

If a couple can love each other like lovers do, then there is no greater attraction, or distraction, outside that relationship.

If the spouse becomes the lover, the relationship moves from being concerned with functional duties to one that espouses the spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacies of two people in love.

Husbands and wives should fill the role of a lover to each other. This is the right starting point for a strong marital relationship.

Introducing heartbalm laws to curtail adultery will not address the heart of the issue, which essentially is the issue of the heart.

Loving each other as lovers do gives a better chance for a faithful, long-lasting and satisfying marriage.

Steven Chan Siew Key

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