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Tue, Nov 12, 2013
The Straits Times
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Saving a marriage after an affair
by Lea Wee

Adultery does not have to be a marriage breaker.

Indeed, in countries such as the United States, marital infidelity is increasingly seen as "a treatable offence", says American marital counsellor Dave Carder.

The 68-year-old was in town last month to conduct a two-day 14-hour workshop on his programme called the Torn Asunder Affair Recovery Programme, his third workshop here since 2009. It was organised by Reach Counselling, which specialises in marital counselling.

Torn Asunder is believed to be the first structured programme for marital infidelity and claims to keep nine in 10 couples in marriage, provided that couples have a good marital history and adulterers agree to sever contact with third parties.

The programme addresses three different types of infidelity - sexual, visual (such as pornography) and emotional.

One Singaporean couple now undergoing the programme for emotional infidelity are Sarah (not her real name) and her husband. Both are in their 40s.

Earlier this year, while looking for a contact in her husband's mobile phone just a couple of weeks before their 10th year together, she came across an "intimate" SMS text message from a woman to her husband about a trip he was going to make.

After she confronted him, he confessed he had been meeting the woman after work for the past year "to talk and confide in each other", but claimed they "never got physical".

But Sarah did not believe that their relationship could be non-physical. The couple quarrelled and she moved out of their flat. She told him to find a counsellor if he was keen to fix the relationship.

The couple, who have no children, are now two-thirds of their way through the Torn Asunder programme.

Says Sarah, who has since moved back to live with her husband: "I am not so angry now. At least, I can talk to him without getting angry or defensive within a few minutes and vice versa."

At least two counselling centres here, Reach Counselling and Touch Community Services, run the programme.

At Reach last year, 18 out of 25 couples involved in marital infidelity agreed to undergo the programme, and 70 to 80 per cent of those who took the course have stayed in their marriages, says MrsChang-Goh Song Eng, 55, head of Reach Counselling.

Touch's senior manager and counsellor Teo Seok Bee says the programme is "very effective" when both the husband and wife are motivated and diligent in doing their homework and practising what they learnt in the programme within and outside the therapy room.

She says: "In cases where only one party is motivated or involved, we will use other approaches or programmes."

Since the programme was introduced at Touch in 2011, two-thirds of those counselled at the centre stayed married.

Mr Carder founded the 90-day programme in the early 1990s. His 1994 book on the subject, Torn Asunder: Recovering From An Extramarital Affair, is now in its third edition and has sold more than 100,000 copies worldwide.

So far, 134 professionals here, mostly counsellors and social workers, have been certified to conduct his programme. They get their certification from Mr Carder after attending his two-day workshop here.

While conventional therapy is more "talk therapy" that may occur over a variable number of sessions, Mr Carder's programme has a defined time frame of 10 to 14 weekly sessions of about 1 to 11/2 hours each.

In between the sessions, each couple have to complete assignments in a workbook and have daily, highly structured monologues with each other.

"These create the 'safety' necessary for the couple to talk about rather inflammatory issues that need to be addressed," says Mr Carder, who is married with four children and six grandchildren.

The programme is modelled after the 90-day addiction treatment programmes, because he says there are parallels between the behaviour of addicts and those who have committed infidelity.

"There are the same compulsive behaviour, the same 'I don't care what happens to you. I am going to choose my addiction first, which is my girlfriend or boyfriend' type of behaviour."

He adds: "After 90 days of sobriety, the addict's mind becomes clearer and a milestone in his recovery process begins."

Couples attending Torn Asunder have to sign a contract at the start which puts them on the same page in terms of expected behaviour - for instance, there should be no contact with the third party or going ahead with the divorce until they complete the programme.

The overall goal is less to save the marriage but more to move the couple "from trauma to tranquillity", says MrCarder.

This is so that even if they eventually decide to separate, they are able to do so amicably and can still participate together in the life events of their children, if they have any.

Indeed, Torn Asunder programme sees infidelity as a traumatic experience, unlike conventional marital therapy which treats infidelity as just one of any number of common ailments in a marriage.

Says Mr Carder: "Betrayal is very painful. It's a deep wound to the trust that has built the bond between a couple."

The programme walks couples through their marital history and gets them to identify the role each of them plays in its deterioration.

They then seek each other's forgiveness - for instance, through letters following a certain format - for the role they have played in its breakdown.

The person who has committed the infidelity also writes a letter to his or her spouse, seeking forgiveness.

Sarah finds it helpful to receive the letter her husband wrote to her asking her to forgive him for his emotional infidelity.

"The letter shows that what he thought I was angry about was not actually what I was angry about," she says.

"For instance, he wrote that he was sorry he was back home late because he was out with a woman, but to me, that was fine. What I was angry about was that he had intentionally stayed out late after work to meet a girl outside."

By helping her husband pinpoint the exact area of hurt, he was able to ask for her forgiveness in that area. She says: "This moves us a step forward in the recovery of our relationship."

Her example is likely what Mr Carder means when he says: "Forgiveness is at the core of the programme. To the extent that the betrayed spouse can forgive the person who has betrayed her, they can start rebuilding the respect and trust needed in a marriage.

"But if the marital history is such that the spouse is not likely to forgive the person who has betrayed her, then the marriage is already broken and the programme is less likely to work."

[email protected]

How the programme helps

Monologues...

Businessman Johnny (not his real name), 60, and his wife, 57, have been married for 30 years. They have two sons, aged 29 and 27.

The couple signed up for Torn Asunder a couple of months after she found "intimate" text messages between him and a woman on his mobile phone.

When she confronted him, he confessed that he had been meeting the woman whenever he travelled to a South-east Asian country every once or twice a month, for a year.

He found it "safe to talk to her" about all matters.

But he insisted that they were just "good friends".

His wife refused to believe him.

Whenever he tried to clarify himself, she would raise her voice and "get uncontrollaby angry", so much so that he stopped going home.

He found the monologue exercise in Torn Asunder most useful.

During the programme, he and his wife had to take turns to talk for about 20 minutes each, over several days, about various issues including their childhood and marriage, without the other party interrupting.

They had to maintain eye contact and keep their knees touching during the exercise.

It has been five months since the couple completed the counselling. Johnny has stopped seeing the third party, and he and his wife are now trying to spend more quality time together, by going out for meals and watching movies together.Desmond (not his real name), 50, and his wife, 45, have been married for 20 years and have two sons, aged 16 and 12.


...and memories

They had gone for counselling about 11/2 years ago, six months after his wife found out Desmond was sexually and emotionally unfaithful to her. He had been having an affair with a business partner for six years.

She confronted him after she saw a text message from the woman on his mobile phone. It was not a name she recognised.

What Desmond, who works in the building and materials industry, found most useful about the Torn Asunder programme was going through the couple's marital history.

The exercise made him realise that he and his wife had been leading parallel lives after the first eight years of their marriage.

While the happiest moments of his marriage were linked often to how well he did in his career, her happiest moments were linked to how well the children did in school.

He says: "I also found that we have different languages of love. She likes to buy things for others, while I prefer to run errands for people. So no matter what we did for each other, we were not able to appreciate each other's efforts. This could have led to the marital disconnect."

It has been a year since the couple completed the 90-day programme. They feel their marriage is stronger now and are trying to spend more quality time together. Says Desmond: "We found that we both share an interest in photography and we often go out together these days to take photos."


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readers' comments
Not a question of saving a marriage after an affair...it should be preventing an affair during a marriage.
Posted by johnnykwek on Sun, 17 Nov 2013 at 15:44 PM


Not sure whether spore divorce rate up or drop.
Agreed. Cherish it.
Gv n take.
Forgv n forget.
Bad memories dnt keep in heart.
Throw away.
Posted by hfourhappy on Sun, 17 Nov 2013 at 15:02 PM


how about lie beside u leh :D:p no eye see!

http://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTwO2OO745TVX2r61Mtuw5iJQ_mYUY2X 92CduagQqGI4E8Agg9N
Posted by baoxingtian on Sun, 17 Nov 2013 at 13:19 PM
Definitely face value is important, but they all well to do, not short of suitors, there's no need for them to lie to me

Posted by jameslee58 on Sun, 17 Nov 2013 at 13:15 PM


they want face lah :D:p
Posted by baoxingtian on Sun, 17 Nov 2013 at 12:43 PM
I had dated divorcees before, they all successful n independent, in old days, if your shirt or anything broken, U tried to repair or fix it, today, you don't like your shirt that U just bought yesterday, U throw n buy a new one
Sporean pampered with choices, all divorcees I dated told they R the one who filed, they want out, they told me all sort of stories then with a final straw, that is when they decided to divorce
To me, they just waiting for opportunity or excuse rather to be out...
That is the reality
Posted by jameslee58 on Sun, 17 Nov 2013 at 12:40 PM


best solution is compromise... like LKY said... 2 is enough lor :D:p
Posted by baoxingtian on Sun, 17 Nov 2013 at 10:02 AM
Divorce is the best solution.
Posted by Sukhoi27 on Sun, 17 Nov 2013 at 03:13 AM
In Taiwan, the 3rd party also can sue :D
Posted by mystrawberry on Sat, 16 Nov 2013 at 21:06 PM
If in US, when the marriage can't be saved, sue the pants off the other woman and get some dough back.



Let betrayed spouse sue mistress for damages*


By Andy Ho, Senior Writer

THE Canada-based Ashley Madison website hooks up married people for no-strings-attached sex.After it announced it was "coming in November" to Singapore, a public outcry ensued and the Media Development Authority (MDA) decided to block the site.

Every act of adultery is presumably engaged in out of the free wills of both parties.

In contrast, every act of marrying, whatever the words of the marriage vow uttered, is the free will forming of a partnership for life between a man and a woman which requires both parties to stay faithful to each other in two .....
Posted by Gerigeriyeo on Sat, 16 Nov 2013 at 18:48 PM

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