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Mon, Feb 16, 2009
The Straits Times
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Marriages are the latest victims of recession
by Wong Kim Hoh, Senior Writer

FLASH back a few months and life had a golden glow. He was an engineer in a construction company earning more than $5,000 a month. She was a high-flier in communications picking up almost twice as much.

The income disparity was not an issue for the university sweethearts who married a couple of years ago.

Now fast forward a few months to the financial crisis. The husband's pay was slashed last November when contracts at his company began drying up.

His wife wanted him to quit and look for another job that paid more. But he felt that he should ride out the storm with employers who had treated him well when times were good.

Tiffs escalated into blazing rows. Several counselling sessions at the Asian Women's Welfare Association (AWWA) Family Service Centre in Boon Keng Road failed to cement the cracks in the marriage.

Last month, the wife bailed out, convinced that her dream of eventually upgrading to a landed property would not be realised if she stuck with such an 'unambitious' husband.

She left their condominium in central Singapore, condemning her husband to spend Valentine's Day today alone.

They are just two more victims of a financial crisis that is wreaking havoc far beyond the economic sphere. Marriages are under strain across the island as couples - from low-income earners to high-flying professionals - grapple with the severity of the downturn.

More than 16,000 lost their jobs in Singapore last year. Thousands more had their pay docked or suffered losses from investments.

Unemployment is expected to soar to 5per cent this year, from 3.2 per cent last year.

The bleak outlook has forced unwelcome lifestyle changes on many marriages, adding to tension and disagreements between husbands and wives.

Psychiatrists and marriage counsellors are seeing more couples seeking help for marital woes fuelled by the crisis.

AWWA counsellor Mani Joseph, 44, says the centre handled 269 cases involving couples with financial troubles last year, about 30 more than in 2007. Psychotherapist Ang Thiam Hong, 55, says 'business is brisk' at Edora Counselling Services, where he specialises in marriage counselling.

Although he declines to reveal figures, he has 'definitely received more enquiries' from couples in trouble.

Experts note that job security and money worries often breed fear, anger and insecurity, and trigger outbursts while bringing other problems to the fore.

Psychiatrist Adrian Wang, 43, gives an example: 'Many men define themselves by their jobs. Losing their job means losing their power and status.

'They become anxious and depressed and this can have a negative effect on their relationship with their wife and family members.'

Since December, the National Council of Social Service has directed its 36 family service centres to monitor how the meltdown is affecting marriages and families.

It will run a training workshop next month for its social workers and equip them with the skills to help those affected by the downturn.

Unlike past recessions, which mainly affected the lower-income, this slump has also hammered professionals and executives.

Dr Wang, for one, has seen more bankers and finance executives turning up at his clinic at Gleneagles Hospital over the last few months.

One client, an investment banker, was so convinced he would lose his job that he started having sleepless nights and throwing tantrums, placing his relationship with his wife and two young children under severe strain.

'The wife came to me and said she couldn't cope with having to deal with another child. He was stressing everyone out at home,' says the psychiatrist, adding that the man has since been diagnosed with clinical depression.

But both counsellors and psychiatrists agree that a financial crisis does not mean more marriages will break up.

Mr Glenn Graves, a counsellor with the Counselling Place LLP, says this 'financial tsunami' differs from the Asian financial crisis of 1997.

'It came suddenly without much warning. It is often the case that people tend to come together and support each other in times of sudden crisis,' he says.

Couples, he adds, are more understanding about financial difficulties they run into because it was clear that even the shrewdest investors did not anticipate the sudden collapse of the financial sector.

Indeed, well-known family lawyer Anamah Tan and others have not detected any spike in divorces.

'Marriages do not break just because there's not enough money going around. If divorce is broached, the marriage would have already been in crisis mode,' she says.

Lawyer Foo Siew Foong, who handles divorce cases at Harry Elias Partnership, says Singaporeans are a practical lot. They know that divorcing during a downturn is not a financially savvy decision.

'If the value of their property has fallen, they will not get as much when they sell to divide their assets,' says Ms Foo.

'Timing is very important. After all, Singaporeans have been known to put off divorce until their children have completed their PSLE.'

Indeed, Mr Graves says that in a recession, 'people feel less financially free to make quick decisions', including getting a divorce.

'A family who was previously on a single income would think twice about having that single income support two households,' he adds.

'Families with dual incomes might find added security in staying together through these difficult times and this could motivate them to try, for example, counselling.'

The experts are confident that with counselling, most couples will weather the storm.

One key factor is their value systems. 'If their values converge, it is easier for couples to stay together,' says Mr Ang.

Though, Mr Joseph adds, 'two people who went into a relationship based on 'money will keep us together' instead of strong emotional ties will probably find it harder to work through their differences in a crisis like this'.

Housewife Rachel Tan, 47, agrees. When her banking executive husband was retrenched about five years ago after the dot.com bubble burst, she was the first person he called.

'Some men don't do that because they don't want to worry their wives. But we've always communicated openly,' says the mother of six children.

Although they were initially shocked and worried, the Christian couple decided to 'put their trust in God, be positive and explore as many avenues as possible'.

The fact that he had a generous retrenchment package helped. 'We also decided to adopt an activity to keep our mind off things: He decided to quit smoking and we adopted an exercise routine, going for walks every morning,' she says.

In fact, experts note that the downturn could help make, rather than break, marriages.

With less work available, many now have more time to work on their relationships.

Mrs Monica Alsagoff, 45, chief executive of public relations firm Communications DNA, says: 'Last year, work was so hectic that I would be lucky if I could make it home for dinner once a week.

'With the recession, I have dinner with my husband and children at least four times a week. We have a lot more time to bond as a family,' says the mother of two children, aged eight and 10.

The downturn has also drawn her and husband Nazir, 47, who is the company's chief financial officer, closer.

'Before the recession, we worked quite separately. I was out developing business, he was doing the paperwork. But in the last few months, we had time to come together and strategise how we should run the business,' she says, adding they are now better personal and professional partners.

There have been other blessings too.

'I think it has given my husband and me time to re-evaluate our priorities too, like how important our health is, and how we should be conscious of the quality of time we spend with our children and loved ones.'

Additional reporting by Gwendolyn Ng & Alessa Pang

This article was first published in The Straits Times.

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