Dear Thelma is an aunt agony column featured in The Star where readers can write in to share their grievances and gain advice from Thelma.

Dear Thelma,

I've known J for five years. We were colleagues. One thing led to another and I ended up moving in with him. We stayed together for almost a year. During that time, we had sexual intercourse many times, and I dedicated my whole life to him. Initially, he was good to me, but gradually he changed. He would hang out with other girls and talk on the phone a lot. One day, he brought a girl back and moved me from his room to the last room. He stayed with the girl. I was so heartbroken and upset, but I stayed on, hoping he would change.

Then I became pregnant with his child but he refused to acknowledge it. We had a huge argument, and I left and moved back to the hostel where I worked.

For six months (after I had an abortion), I never contacted him. We bumped into each other at the workplace but I never looked at him. I was so hurt. Then, out of the blue, he contacted me. I met up with him and started our relationship again.

This time I didn't move in with him. He began asking me for money and other things. Since I was still in love with him, I did everything he asked. Then, he met another girl and fell in love with her, and dumped me. Again.

After that, I refused to even think about him. Then he called me again after three months. At first I avoided his calls. But one of his friends told me that his girlfriend had left him and he was very upset. Along the way, we met up again, and being the fool I was, I went back to him. Gradually, he began asking for more things from me. Still, I gave him what I could.

A few days ago, I found out that he was having a relationship with another girl, while sleeping with me at the same time. I was so angry that I scolded him and called him an ungrateful person. He replied my SMS, saying that I was mad, and that he had never loved me in the first place. He said I was a crazy woman and had no right to ask him about his girlfriends.

I was so heartbroken that I couldn't answer. I wished him well and stopped contacting him.  

This man is an alcoholic and very abusive. He is kind and charming to other girls and his friends, but he shows his mean side to me. I have been abused by him physically and emotionally for years, but I just kept quiet. I'm so depressed and confused. He claims that he never loved me and that I'm just a friend. Then why did he enter into a physical relationship with me? I have given him my body, money and helped him in so many ways, but his answer was a real slap to my face.

Recently, he became engaged to another girl in Ipoh. But he still has a girlfriend in Klang and sometimes he comes to me (despite knowing he was engaged, I still responded when he called).

I really want to forget about him and move on. He has made my life a living hell and made use of me. I know I'm to be blamed for allowing him to walk all over me.

But I really want to forget him. Sometimes, I feel like killing myself because of all the emotional damage he has caused me. I loved him with all my heart but he has betrayed me in the most hurtful way.

Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

It is clear that this guy is a cad. He is a user and an abuser. And, worse, he won't even own up to what he has done and blames you for it instead! It is not uncommon for abusive people to be regarded by others as nice, good people. That is why so many people don't believe or understand when abused partners report it.

The abuser is always charming and wonderful. After an abusive incident, they are remorseful, and promise to change and pay so much attention to their partners. And then it starts all over again. This is called the circle of violence.

Many people think that abuse is limited to the physical. It is not. Psychological and emotional abuse is common, and cannot be disregarded. Sometimes it takes place without physical abuse. Often they go hand in hand. Consuming alcohol is no excuse for abuse. An abusive person has no regard for another person's feelings. They have no respect for other lives. They only care about themselves.  

What he has done to you is made you feel bad about yourself. Denying that he was responsible for your pregnancy; expecting you to go back to him when he calls and then, openly flirting with other women; taking money from you; and then telling you that he never loved you. He has succeeded so well that you are now considering ending your life. Do not give him that satisfaction. You are worth much more than that.

Maybe you didn't read the signs well enough to understand that he was bad news. You had multiple opportunities to walk away but you kept going back. People like this don't change. You must understand and accept that. Any amount of care, sympathy, understanding or love will not change him.

Now, he is out of your life and you have to keep it that way. Respect yourself enough to accept that no one has the right to treat you the way he did. Be resolute. Cut him off completely - no phone calls, messages, or anything else. Move to a new place if that helps. You work with him, so communication there may be unavoidable. Keep it strictly professional.

You had a bad experience. Take that as a lesson. Be more discerning in deciding who you will be in a relationship with. Look deeper than words and promises that are sweet nothings. Make sure you know enough about a person before you move in with him. That decision should not be taken lightly. Finally, love yourself enough and don't think of killing yourself over him. Don't let anyone do this to you again.

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