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Wed, Feb 13, 2013
The Sunday Times
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S'poreans reveal their relationship dealbreakers

OON SHU AN, 26, actress-host, in a relationship

Deal-breaker: An inconsiderate person, someone who does not treat her as an equal, or a man with body odour.

"If he isn't sensitive to things that I like or don't like, especially in the early stages, there isn't much of a chance of that happening in the future," says Oon Shu An, of also-ran suitors who do not look out for her.

The Fly Entertainment artist plays the lead role of the Seeker in Incanto, Resorts World Sentosa's resident magic production.

In real life, she seeks respect in her relationships. "I can't date someone who doesn't respect me, my opinions, and what I do and vice versa," says Oon, who is dating a photographer.

She adds that the person does not have to agree with her on everything but should try to understand her point of view.

"It doesn't matter how educated or smart you are, you have to see your partner as an equal. A relationship without mutual respect is doomed."

Luckily, she says, only one boyfriend in her dating history thought she was not "smart or capable enough" for him. Of that relationship, she recalls: "After a while, I thought to myself, 'If I'm not good enough for you, why are you still with me?'"

On the physical front, she would steer clear of someone with body odour.

"I am very, very sensitive to smells and bad smells actually make me feel unwell," she says.

Having formulated her relationship deal-breakers "bit by bit over the years", she applies them to platonic friends too.

"It's a combination of me growing up and being more honest about what I want or don't want in my life," she adds.

CHUA BI RU, 20, ballerina, single

Deal-breaker: A man will not admit he is wrong, who is shorter than her or of a different religion

Singapore Dance Theatre ballerina Chua Bi Ru does not mind if her boyfriend is not into dance.

"I'm totally fine if he doesn't know anything about ballet, as long as he is okay with what I do," she says.

What she is not fine with is if he never apologises. "I like people who are willing to admit their mistakes and willing to learn."

Chua, who has been dancing since she was seven years old, was trained at the New Zealand School of Dance. She has never had a boyfriend.

Her friends have told her stories of their boyfriends who are "very macho" and will not admit it when they are in the wrong, she says.

"I think that would be very frustrating in a relationship. If they make a mistake, they must be able to say they are sorry."

She joined the Singapore Dance Theatre as an apprentice in January last year and was promoted to an Artist in September.

While she has seen romances bloom between dancers in the company, she prefers to keep her professional and personal lives separate to prevent unnecessary complications.

She also prefers to date someone who shares her Christian faith as she feels that having the same values is important in a relationship.

On a purely superficial level, the 1.65m-tall ballerina says her boyfriend must be taller than her.

Ask her why and she replies: "I don't know.

I just can't imagine dating a guy shorter than me."

REBECCA SPYKERMAN, 28, actress, single

Deal-breaker: A man who stereotypes

Take note, potential beau of Rebecca Spykerman: She finds it "suffocating and limiting" if you put others in a box and generalise about them.

"Open-ness can't happen if someone keeps stereotyping," says the up-and-coming actress, who starred as Viola in Singapore Repertory Theatre's staging of Twelfth Night at Fort Canning Park.

She adds: "If I want to date someone, I'm interested in the person and want to know more about him. If he already cuts off that opportunity by judging everything around him, then where is there space to explore?"

She has never dated anyone like that and says she would call off a relationship with such a man. Her aversion to stereotyping is understandable, especially in the context of the insensitive comments she has endured because of her mixed heritage.

The Eurasian Singaporean - her dad is Chinese and mum is Dutch-Portuguese - says people often remark that she is "not a real Singaporean", whatever that means.

Or, she gripes, they immediately bring up the famed Eurasian dish and ask: "Is your favourite food devil's curry?"

The bachelorette, who last year parted ways amicably with her skydiving instructor-boyfriend of four years, says extreme physiques are a no-no when it comes to finding Mr Right.

She rules out dating guys who are "too skinny and small-boned" or "too buff".

That said, physical appearance is secondary to personality when it comes to choosing her mate. She is drawn to people who are positive and passionate about something.

She says: "I am usually attracted to a person based on his energy. If something turns me off, I completely shut off right away."

HANSEN LEE, 31, actor-host, single

Deal-breaker: A woman who fails to get his sense of humour

If actor Hansen Lee can make a girl laugh, there is hope for the relationship. This is a far cry from his salad days, though, when he was - dare we say it? - shallower. "In my younger days, I would just ask a girl out purely based on attraction and appearance," says the Fly Entertainment artist.

But the bachelor has since learnt his lesson, when this approach led to boring evenings out with awkward silences.

"Excruciating," he says. "Time stands still, your brain is working overtime and you're just not having a very good time."

Probably best remembered as one of the water polo hunks in the 2009 Channel 5 drama series Polo Boys, he is fluid on the topic of deal-breakers. It all boils down to personal preference - what would turn him off might be acceptable to someone else.

Ask why it is important for him to bring mirth to his beloved and he is hard-pressed to explain.

"I'm sure there are guys out there who don't care if they make their girlfriends laugh. But if I can't make her laugh, what good am I to her?"

He adds that, so far, he has been "fortunate enough to have the instincts not to pursue anything more if I sense that we are from different worlds".

ADAM PIPERDY, 22, radio DJ, in a relationship for about two years

Deal-breaker: A girl with no mind of her own

HOT 91.3FM DJ Adam Piperdy ended a relationship after 1½ years, because his then-girlfriend relied on him to make decisions.

"I just lived my life and she just hopped on for the ride," he says of the love affair that lasted till 2008.

She would just watch the movies he wanted to watch and eat wherever he wanted to eat.

"If I wanted to rest at home, she'd come over and do nothing," he says.

Now dating an events and public relationship executive, he says he does not need someone to discuss world issues with, but at least suggest what to do and where to dine on dates. "If I ask her what she wants to eat and she says 'anything', I'll break up with her," he says. "I hate the word anything."

His quirk might have something to do with his family, who always debate about where to eat. "My mum is Chinese and Dad is Indian, so they prefer different types of food," he says, adding that it makes the relationship more interesting. "Both sides must have ideas and opinions. If she just does the things I do, it will get stale after a while."

Another deal-breaker is if she does not bring her wallet on a date. "I'll pay for meals but I also hope the girl will offer to pay and not take it for granted."

He met his current girlfriend, who prefers not to be named, through mutual friends. While he paid on their first date, he says, she has paid on other occasions since.

Benjamin Kheng, 22, actor-musician, in a relationship for about five years

Deal-breaker: A woman who cannot hold a conversation

If the thought of trading witty banter on a date makes your blood run cold, do not bother trying to attract Benjamin Kheng.

The singer with local indie band The Sam Willows says he cannot date someone who "can't hold a conversation and make me laugh".

"My parents are hilarious and amazing raconteurs, so I was born into a world of storytelling and absurd conversations. I guess it stemmed from there," adds the actor, who impressed critics last year when he played Dick Lee in the Singapore musical, National Broadway Company.

Thankfully, he adds: "I laugh easily."

In secondary school, he went out with a girl whose entire world revolved around gossip - "both of the personal and celebrity kind".

"I quickly lost interest in her," he says.

With a better idea of what he did not want after that experience, he has not had any problems with either tongue-tied or vacuous dates since.

"My deal-breaker has early tell-tale signs, so it's easier to side-step that pothole," he says. He also tends to date people he is already acquainted with.

Kheng says his girlfriend is a musician as well, so they share the same passion for music, and she is definitely a "good conversationalist".

He feels a long-term relationship should be built on the ability of both partners to communicate and laugh with each other.

"Who wants to talk about the weather for 40 years?" he asks rhetorically.

 


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