Dear Thelma

I can really understand the hurt that Angry and betrayed (Had his cake and ate it, April 15) is feeling.

Like her, I am a victim of my partner, L, who is 17 years my junior.

We are both married, a fact we both accepted, and worked in the same office.

We started off well, caring, sharing and sacrificing for each other. L taught me a lot and put romance into my life.

We ate lunch together and sms-ed each other at night and during the weekends. She would call me from home whenever she could.

I bought her food supplements, medicine when she was ill, beauty products, lingerie and jewellery.

I cooked her favourite dish and brought to the office. I provided her transport home and took her out whenever she requested.

We promised to be the best of friends and have been to each other's homes. I even took her son out with us on many occasions.

However, we restrained ourselves when it came to sex and restricted ourselves to hugging and kissing.

I always respected her and did not take advantage, even during those times when she was vulnerable.

Things changed when L was transferred to another location. She started to avoid me, using the traffic jam as an excuse.

She cancelled our appointments at the last minute and rejected my lunch invites. She started scolding me for saying, "I missed/loved u".

L often hurt my feelings and ridiculed me by saying, "People will laugh at me if I am with you.

Eating with you is like being with my father, I'm so young and you are old/ugly."

She would shout at me and scold me in public. I never reacted and always gave in to her.

One morning, I asked to meet to sort out our differences. I asked for her help as I felt very down about the way she was treating me.

L said she didn't have time and that for the past five years of our friendship, I had forced her to do a lot of things.

She regretted having known me and blamed me for casting black magic on her.

When I managed to get L out for a lunch date, she said I am not human - I'm supposedly a ghost that kept troubling her.

She said she didn't want me as her friend and even hit me!

Now she does not take my calls or answer my smses. I am very sad that my close friend never kept her promise.

I can never accept another friend in my life as L is so deeply entrenched in my heart.

Used and Betrayed

You have raised a few issues here. Yes, there is betrayal and the hurt that comes from that.

There is also the matter of your being used. Finally, there is the heartbreak and pain of a relationship coming to an end.

It does seem that L has had a change of heart concerning the way she feels about you and what your relationship means, or once meant, to her.

Perhaps it is this that's causing her to behave the way she does now, thus the betrayal.

It also seems that your relationship with her filled a gap in her life that no longer needs filling. Taken at face value, this does seem like she was using you.

Actually, you were both using each other. You were also using your relationship with her to fill something that was missing in your life.

It is just that she has now moved beyond that, but you have not.

You should also bear in mind that you chose to do what you did for her and she actually does not owe you anything.

It is true that all those things you did were signs and indications for your love and affection for her, but they are in no way a reason for her to remain indebted to you.

Let us now look at the current situation. She has embarrassed and humiliated you.

She has accused you of using black magic on her, thus avoiding any responsibility for her actions. She has disrespected you on many occasions.

She seems to have moved on. Don't you think you should, too?

Ask yourself if you deserve to be treated like this. If your answer is no, as should be the case, you should try and put this behind you and venture forward with your life.

It will hurt, for sure. Let this experience be a lesson in your life but not a hindrance to your forming meaningful relationships with other people. Perhaps, you should even try and address the problems in your marriage.

Dear Thelma

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Write to Dear Thelma, c/o Star2, Menara Star, 15 Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya or e-mail star2. [email protected]. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.