DEAR THELMA

I STUDIED in a boys' school and spent most of my time on books. I feel shy when with girls. I would say I'm not straight. Perhaps lack of love while growing up has made me this way. Also, I have five brothers.

Recently I got to know K, my junior in college. We chatted daily through Facebook and SMS. I soon found myself obsessed with her.

I confessed my feelings for her but she said she was not suitable for me and asked me to find someone else. Then she SMS-ed to ask why I had fallen for her. I explained that my feelings are genuine but I couldn't be sure if it was really love. She didn't reply.

Then we got back to chatting again via Facebook. After my exam, I told K my love for her was still strong. Immediately after that, she returned to her hometown and we lost touch again as she couldn't access the Net.

I rang her daily. Her mum picked up my calls and said that she looked forward to meeting me. But some days later, she told me K didn't want to meet me. Her mum even said I had rushed into the relationship.

Then K messaged and scolded me for my second confession. She'd had an argument with her mother because of me. I apologised, cried for a few nights and decided not to call her again.

Two weeks later, K SMS-ed to apologise for being rude. I replied, "I ok", but we rarely chat anymore. She posted videos about broken hearts from YouTube and wrote in her Facebook that guys are bad. I invited her for dinner a few times but she declined. Yesterday, she SMS-ed to wish me goodnight.

Do all girls behave in this manner? Or is it I can't get her message because I rarely chat with girls?

I have completely lost interest in girls, and guys. I even wonder if I love her because I'm jealous that all my brothers have, or had been in, relationships.

J

UNFORTUNATELY, matters of the heart have baffled even the wisest of people. Rest easy in the thought that you're not the only one who has gone through such an experience. There is no guide as to how best to approach your first love. But you have done well by talking to her and confessing your feelings.

You say you were "obsessed" with her. Without making light of your feelings for this girl, be clear about how you think and feel. Obsession is quite different from how people would describe love. While it is common to have obsessive thoughts of the person you are in love with, obsession alone is not love.

She has been really honest about her feelings for you; you will have to respect that. However, you can still maintain a friendship with her. But if you feel that you cannot maintain a purely platonic friendship, you may need to gain some distance from her. This means you would have to either minimise, or cease altogether, communication with her. This includes checking her status on Facebook.

Only she can explain her behaviour. When you feel up to it, talk to her about your confusion arising from her behaviour towards you. Be sure, though, not to pressure her into thinking you are pursuing a relationship again, unless she is ready to go down that route.

At this point, the best you can do is to learn more about how to approach girls and talk to them. Make friends and get to know people. You will find that girls are no different from you and that only time will tell how you feel about someone special. You will, by then, be more confident and be able to approach the matter appropriately.

As for your sexuality, understand that just because someone grows up in a predominantly male environment, it does not make him gay. Neither does growing up in a family without love lead to homosexuality.

Sexuality is complex and is influenced by various factors. If you suspect that you may be gay, or are curious to find out more about sexuality, learn more about it. But seek reliable sources of information. You may also want to talk to a counsellor.

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. E-mail [email protected]. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.