Dear Thelma

I'M getting married to a divorcee with two children, but the problem is his adopted aunt, who has been staying with their family for 30 years.

She is a busybody and likes to talk bad about everybody. She used to quarrel over everything with my in-laws; they had chased her out of the house a few times.

Sometimes, when my husband is not around, she will talk bad about his ex-wife and my in-laws. When I refuse to listen and walk away, she says I lack manners. I've caught her hitting my pet puppy while it was sleeping - she claimed it tried to bite her when she wanted to touch it.

Her daughters, aged 26 and 29, are staying with us too. She uses our household items when we're not around, but scolds us if we use her daughters' things by mistake. When I point that out, she becomes sarcastic.

How do I let her know that I dislike her attitude, in a gentle way?

Helpless Bride-To-Be

IF you have to live with the aunt, you will have to learn to handle her. Such characters are permanent fixtures who, out of fear and insecurity, will create havoc to ascertain their position and indispensability.

You cannot start off "in a gentle way" or she will try to bully you. She does not respect the soft approach as she is used to getting her way by being assertive and domineering. If she has been taking out her rage on your little dog, be careful. She probably sees you as a threat to her place in the household.

You are right in not getting involved in her criticisms of the people around you, absent or present. She will quote you as the source should such talk get out of hand and offend some people.

She is selfish and manipulative as she is guarding her turf. So stay out of her way and draw up your own parameters. Do not be afraid to tell her off when she gets out of line.

However, you should get to know your new family better before acting rashly. Why she is such an integral, important part that they cannot be rid of her? Why did they allow her back after chasing her off for causing quarrels, heartache and mischief in the household?

Get to know the truth so that you are aware. Perhaps hers is a sad story and your husband's family feels obligated to care for her and her daughters.

Try to adapt without getting too embroiled in petty fights and quarrels. If you can learn to live with her, your life will be a lot easier. You do not want your husband to have a tough time settling trivial issues when he gets home from work.

Peace and harmony means a lot to a man. If you are patient, kind and understanding, your husband and in-laws will appreciate you all the more.