When we think of disciplining our children we often think of punishments, rules and regulations so it is very interesting to remember that in fact the word originates from the Latin disciplina "instruction", from the root discere “to learn”.

Discipline involves helping children develop self-control. It is about setting limits and correcting behaviour, not through punishment but through encouragement, modelling and experience. The benefits of developing positive discipline in your child include; increasing your child’s self esteem, allowing her to feel valued, encouraging him to cooperate and motivating her to take initiative and persevere. Punishment on the other hand can have long- term effects and erode self-esteem.

In order to not fall into the trap of focusing on negative behaviour and ultimately a system of punishment it is very important to create a positive environment. There are a number of ways to achieve this:

• Spending lots of leisurely time together
• Sharing important activities and meaningful play
• Listening and answering as an equal not as an instructor
• Complimenting the child’s efforts rather than empty praise, for example, “Wow, you have put your shoes on all by yourself!” rather than “Wow, you are a clever boy!”
• Smiling, touching, cuddling, kissing, rocking and patting

When setting limits for your child it is vital that you understand your child and what is reasonable to expect of them. There are nine temperament traits and by understanding what temperament your child has you can help set realistic limits:

Activity: Is your child always on the go, or is she relaxed and enjoys taking her own sweet time?

Rhythmicity: Is your child regular in his eating and sleeping patterns OR somewhat haphazard?

Sociability: Does your child enjoy meeting new people and going to new places or does she tend to shy away from new people or experiences?

Adaptability: Can your child adjust easily to changes in routines or does he resist transitions?

Intensity: Does she become excited by new situations, OR does she react calmly and quietly?

Mood: Is your child generally sunny natured or is she slow to warm up? Does his mood shift frequently or is he usually even-tempered?

Persistence and attention span: Does your child stick with an activity until completed or is she easily distracted and happy to give up if a task seems challenging?

Distractibility: Is it easy for your child to block out distractions and remain focused on a task or can external stimuli make it hard for him to concentrate?

Sensory threshold: Is she sometimes bothered by loud noises, bright lights, food textures, or the feeling of fabric or labels in clothing?

Understanding your child’s temperament can help you understand how to ensure your style of discipline will work best. Some children may require a longer and deeper explanation while others may be happy to just dash off with minimal discussion and negotiation. For example, if your child has a need for routine and regular eating and sleeping patterns, his or her behaviour may deteriorate when these are disrupted. If you know why your child is acting out you can address it in a more successful way as well as attempt to avoid situations they will find hard to manage well.

Before laying the ground roles it is important that you know your child’s temperament. For example, I expect my children to be polite and answer clearly when greeted by people who know them, but my son who is really shy finds it very hard to greet people confidently. I know it is hard for him so I have to accept that a mumbled “I’m fine, thanks’ is as good as we get on most days.

With any young child there will be trying times where their behaviour does not match your expectations so tools of guidance are needed:

• Offer choices within limits of acceptable alternatives “Would you like to brush your teeth before or after I help you wash your hair?”
• Communicate your own feelings “I’m so annoyed and frustrated right now”
• Validate your child’s feelings too “I can see that you are really angry”
• Demonstrate appropriate behaviour yourself so young children learn what to do
• Use positive language “Yes” rather than “No” e.g. “Yes, you can have some ice cream, after you have eaten all your vegetables.” “Putting your dirty clothes in the basket would be very helpful.”
• Give information “Leaving your cup here means that somebody else will have to pick it up for you.”
• Do difficult tasks together “I think we should wash off all this paint together.”
• Physically remove your child from a situation in which they are no longer able to control themselves if necessary

With the best will in the world, you will still need tools of consequence to help children learn what to do after things go wrong:

• Show children how to make amends if they’re to young to do it alone
• Expect restitution if rules have been broken e.g. Make sure the toy is returned or replaced; the wall washed; the room tidied, etc.
• Take action yourself i.e. Say sorry if you have broken a rule or hurt someone’s feelings
• Allow natural consequences e.g. If your child has forgotten to take his PE kit for kindergarten, let him be reminded by his teacher
• Set and apply reasonable restrictions like grounding or removal of privileges
• Use self-control time-out “You can join in as soon as you are ready to play without snatching”
• Use logical consequence so your child understands that his choice means conditions apply
• Be consistent in your use of time-out or other restrictions.

Instilling positive discipline in your child will not happen overnight and along the way you may well feel disheartened. Remember that it is a normal part of growing up to push boundaries. Your child will try to see what is acceptable and what is not. It takes a great deal of awareness, pre-planning and collaboration between parents to establish a culture of positive discipline. But it enables children, and adults, to form positive relationships at home, at work and at play, and to be responsible for their emotions, bodies and behaviour.

Be aware of your reactions and behaviour, if you are short tempered and quick to blow a fuse, it is reasonable to expect your child to see nothing wrong with screaming and yelling when things don’t go their way. It is important to communicate clearly what behaviour you expect and for you to demonstrate that behaviour to your child. As with any aspect of parenting it starts with YOU!

Fiona Walker is the Principal Director of Julia Gabriel Centre For Learning & Chiltern House.